The Pain Of Being An Introvert

There’s a period of time, ranging from 2-5 days, when I am in a rut. Falling into a ravine with no hope of climbing out in one piece.

When I am drowning, and when everything has a hidden meaning. Every person has a hidden agenda. And every outlook is bleak and dismal.

I listen to gloomy music…

When the day has come
That I’ve lost my way around
And the seasons stop and hide beneath the ground
When the sky turns gray
And everything is screaming
I will reach inside
Just to find my heart is beating

               (Bleeding Out – Imagine Dragons)

The lyrics hold a new meaning for me…

I did my best to notice
When the call came down the line
Up to the platform of surrender
I was brought but I was kind

              (Human – The Killers)

My mind, ever the imaginarium, insists on painting pictures that are fantastical, elusive, demonic…

So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you’ve made

              (Demons – Imagine Dragons)

Every white cloud it seems, has a dark shadow. It looms over my head.

My friends worry and ask if they’ve done something wrong to me.

I, myself, worry and ask what is wrong with me.

I believe, that after 5 years of going through this gruelling dreariness month after month, I have finally diagnosed my problem.

I am a complete introvert. But, as college requires socialization and my family refuses to let me brood alone in my room, I become exhausted.

Extroverts have my full respect. It is completely ghastly to have to have so much energy you need to socialize and to always have a smile on your face.

And that is my depression time. When I am completely out of the energy to do small talk and nod and laught at the appropriate moments even if I do not want to. My minds refuses to comply and recoils to its hermit state like a hibernating snake ready to strike at the slightest touch, the slightest disturbance. I may snap at someone just because I didn’t like the way they dressed!

My closest friends now understand me and do not bother me once they figure out I am out of batteries and need to recharge. They do not even mind it and they do not make me feel guilty. In fact, all I get is a ‘good to have you back’ text later and no other mention of my mood swing episode.

I recharge myself by reading continuously. By listening to music. And by writing or sometimes by sketching. I do not return calls. I do not reply to texts. I do not sit with my family for long moments. My mood is volatile during this time.

Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else

               (Fade to Black – Metallica)

And then after my brief vacation into my own mysterious mind, I return renewed and ready to speak again. To smile again and to laugh again. Now, I must make the best of it, before my batteries start dwindling down once more.

I’m learning to walk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I’m learning to talk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
Where do I begin?

              (Walk – Foo Fighters)


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