For the past few weeks, I have been at my worst.
I feel as if I am pretending. I am pretending. I’m pretending that everything is okay, that I’m okay, that my family’s okay, my friends’ are okay.
How are you? I’m fine. How are you? I’m okay. How are you? I’m good. How are you? I’m doing great.
I’m not, I’m not, I’m not. I am not okay. Not fine. Not great.
Can you not see? Can you not hear? Can you not feel? The sadness in my eyes, the quietness in my voice, the melancholy vibes I give off? Are you deaf, blind, apathetic?
How are you? I’m fine. You’re not fine Raiha, I can feel it. No, I’m fine, why do you think otherwise? I know you Raiha, something’s bothering you. No I’m fine, you tell, how are you?
I might not have been able to tell you over the phone but I will tell everyone now.
I have no friends. I’m all alone. People have so many faces. What’s real? What’s not? I don’t know anymore. Is the face they show me the real one? Or is it a lie? Is everything a lie?
I’m different. I liked to think of myself as unique, but I don’t want to be unique anymore. I don’t want to be different. I want to fit into a mold too. I want what they have; a small mind and small things that make them happy.
I am volatile. My emotions are at an edge. My mind is cluttered. I’m tired. I stand up for myself. They don’t like it.
I have dreams. My dreams are big, very big. Humongous. Cosmic. My dreams are big but I am small. I am not one step closer to them.
I am a failure.
My country is falling. I wanted to help it stand. I wanted to be its saviour, I don’t want to be anymore. I give up. I’m done. Everywhere I look I see malice. I see corruption. I see angelic faces. But with my mind’s eye I can see their true grotesque spirits.
I am losing hope. I want to run away. I want to be selfish. I want to be happy. I want to forget about everything. I just want one day of bliss with no boundaries and no limits.
I am scared. I will never be what I want to be. They will never see me as I want them to see me. I want to escape, to leave my responsibilities and flee.
I am living a lie.
I am a lie.