I have always been fascinated with all the hype about “midlife crises”. It’s interesting to note how, at the prime of adulthood, a person loses all sense of direction and truly begins to discover himself, shedding away inhibitions and exploring his soul and mind.

I do not know whether such a thing actually exists or not, but I believe in a transitioning-from-teen-to-adult life crisis as well. Yeah, the name needs work, but atleast it’s self-explanatory.

It’s eye-opening to realize that in less than three months, I will no longer be a “teen”. As of the tenth of January, I will have spent two decades on Earth. The big two-zero. A score. And when I think of what I have accomplished in these 20 years, disappointingly less come to mind.

Have I learnt how to play an instrument? No. Have I won trophies in some sport? No. Have I achieved top positions in national examinations? No. Have I learnt a skill, have I changed someone’s life for good, have I made a difference in the world? No, no and no.

Even the plans I had for the future, have gone haywire. My mind is like the fragmented hard disk on a clunky old Pentium 3 PC. The data is there, the extra storage space is there, but it’s all scrambled in completely unusable bits and pieces. The program files are going corrupt one by one, the malware is creating problems in boot operations and the storage space is so all-over-the-place that it can’t be utilized.

What I need is perspective. What I need is drive. What I need is a mentor. What I need is solitude. I need to climb the Tibetan mountains and meditate along with the Nepali monks until I’ve got my head back in the game. I want someone to talk me through what I want and what I need.

Because if I keep going the the way I am, I will just be another moderately above-average student who like to read and write. And eventually my biggest fear will come true, fading into the shadows, becoming one of the ‘sheeple’.

I’m tired of hopping from one path to another. I want to be a lawyer. No. I want to be a journalist. Okay. I want to change my country and go into politics. Really? Well no, I’ve changed my mind. I have no hope left. I now want to leave the country. Okay, how? Well… I’m sure I’ll think of something.

I am also tired of keeping up appearances. The antiquated P3 is not going to give the same performance as the sleek new workstation with the Core i5 no matter how hard it tries. So I believe it is time to defragment the hard-disk, clear the recycle bin, change the RAM and replace the processor with a top of the line one. A new sound card and graphic processor, and I’ll be a new machine in no time.

Then all that’ll be left would be to figure out what is that machine’s purpose?

3 thoughts on “Haywire

  1. I don’t know if I’m the person you are looking for but it struck me to reply. Although your reference to a P3 as old showed me just how far we’ve come. When I think of clunky old computer. I think IBM. Lol. I collaborate with seekers as a coach and meditation counselor over the phone. I would be happy to chat with you for a bit to see if I can be helpful or maybe to point you to some different avenues. Absolutely it is defined as a life crisis; in fact, there are several “crisis” (hate that word) points that they have found in people’s lives. Whether you decided to reach out to me, Im sending lots of good juju your way as your wings unfold.
    Love & light,

    • Hey Val,

      The popular term of “Faith in humanity; restored” came to my mind when I read your comment. I have tried to meditate (on my father’s advice) but unfortunately I couldn’t keep it up due to my constantly whirring mind. I would like us to correspond via email so I can get a better understanding of what you do. Just imagining a person I can talk to and receive genuine advice from in return is a heavenly image for me. My email address is raihaakram@gmail.com, I would love to see how you can help me.

      Raiha -x

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