Mama, I’m Still Trying!

Circumstances in our lives and my 5-month disappearance from blogging lost me many of my regular readers, like Elk and Alienora; two people whose opinion meant a lot to me, and who were with me from the start.

They would have known that I do not get along with my mother. At all. I have mentioned this in many of my earlier posts. Now, however, I’m too lazy to go back and dig through everything until I find them. But here’s one, if you’re interested.

So, to any and all new readers, I do not get along with my mother. At all.

In our somewhat segregated society, it is usually the norm for mothers to be their daughters’ confidantes, their best friends and their stylists. Contrarily, from the beginning, it has been my father who was my friend. Any and all advice I received from him, even to the point where I get him to chose between two outfits I want to wear some party! However the dynamic relationship between I and my father is not relevant to this post.

Recently, clashes with my mother have been reaching an all time high. Yesterday, I reached my breaking and snapped at her to “just stop it”.

Still, every night, I lay awake and think about all my friends who hang out with their mothers and snap funny selfies, and who sleep with their heads in their mothers’ laps. These girls think I have the perfect life. I have a supportive, liberal family, a 3.84 CGPA, a laptop, a phone, a car whenever I need it. I’m good at almost everything I do, teachers love me, I make my own living and the list goes on and on.

Little do they know how much I envy them.

They have the one thing I’ve never had; so I try. My siblings have long since stopped trying. They no longer get hurt when Mother ridicules them in front of servants or taunts them in front of guest.

I however, still try.

Sometimes at night I just want to go and hug her tight. But I don’t, because I can never be sure whether she’ll push me away, give a scathing remark or hug me back.

Sometimes I just want to talk to her. Really talk to her. And find what goes on in her head that she resents us so much.

Sometimes I just want her to say she’s proud of me.

So I try.

I tell her about my Computer Graphics assignment and show her the designs I made. She nods. I tell her about how girls had dressed up today, skipped class and hung out because the weather was nice. She nods. I tell her about how my teachers said they were proud to have me as a student. She nods. I tell her about how a famous political analyst is my teacher at college. She nods.

I say something about the maid. She explodes. I say something about food. She explodes. I say something about my maternal relatives. She explodes. I say something about her favorite child. She explodes. I say one ordinary word out of context and she explodes. She mocks me.

I cry. My sisters ask me why do I still care? Why do I still try so hard to be her daughter? Why do I still take what she says to heart?

I have no answer to give them.

Except the fact that she’s my mother. A mother’s love is supposed to be unconditional and all-consuming, is it not?

Is it so wrong of me to want that?


12 thoughts on “Mama, I’m Still Trying!

  1. Aakansha says:

    Oh My Goodness. Raiha, can I just say how much I can friking relate to that?
    Can you do me a favor and read this:

    I wrote it some time back and it’s EXACTLY the same with me. Wow. I’m befuddled at the intriguing amount of preciseness in your post.
    Dear God it’s like you wrote this keeping me in your thoughts.

    I have the same problems with my mother too. We’re NEVER on the same sides-NEVER. Always having contrary and rebelling opinions about things.

    Try harder my friend. It sucks, I know. But she’s your mother, right?

  2. This is so sad. My mom is my best friend and I can’t imagine my life without her. I just want to let you know that I understand. My dad isn’t around, nor was he ever around. He used to pretend to care to get back at my mom. So I know it’s hard. Just remember when you lie around thinking about it, that you are still so lucky to have your dad annnd your siblings. Sometimes people just struggle to show affection, and maybe your Mom is one of them. We still have so much more than a lot of people, but that rejection will always be hard to live with. Hopefully you can use the experience to give love to your kids and kids who aren’t as fortunate to have love. πŸ™‚

    • Thank you so much for commenting!

      I and my sisters have made this pact that we are going to be the complete opposite of my mother. We are going to hug and kiss our children every morning and every night, and we are going to support them and love them no matter what. So if there is ONE thing I’m thankful to my mom about, it’s that because of her WE will be better mothers!

  3. Atherz097 says:

    Hmm. The relationship between me and my mom is pretty dry as well. I mean, she loves me and all, but I do notice some friend of mine spending all this time with their mother. I find it awkward to even laugh around her.

    It’s because she’s disciplined me before that I now find it weird to act like myself. My mouth is normally shut around her because she’s not my friend — she’s my mother.

    But the carelessness and anger like with your mom? Umm… well, do you know of any internal problems she could be having?

    • Well she is a very secretive person. My parents have been married for 37 years, but even my dad doesn’t understand her fully. My father gave her affection, understanding, respect and a great lifestyle, but she hasn’t even open-upped to him.

      She doesn’t talk about her childhood. We know absolutely nothing about her up till the time she got married at 19. Her family, my aunts and uncles, only give us mundane statements like “your mom liked to embroider” or “your mom didn’t do household chores”. She herself only tells us these things.

      We think something happened in her youth, but nobody tells us what.

      She doesn’t like her children. Especially the daughters. She thinks of us as competition in getting our father’s, her husband’s, attention.

      It’s pretty screwed up…

      • Atherz097 says:

        Yeah… that sounds like a mystery movie. Like, maybe one day she’ll open up and shock the whole family or something. Hmm..

      • Yeah or maybe once I graduate I’ll use my awesome investigative journalist abilities to figure out the mystery once and for all!

  4. I couldn’t stop myself from replying, I would say there are different ways of expressing care, concern or love, and it might not be in the way one expects.However, one fact which will always remain true is that, Mom will always love her children. There might be issues, but they would get resolved. Homeostasis of life πŸ™‚

    • That’s what everyone says and that’s why I’m still trying. But if that were true, than ALL my siblings wouldn’t have went through the same thing. I am the fifth sibling, and these “issues” occurred all four times before me and are still occurring now.

      So the prognosis looks bleak Roopesh, however I am still trying my best to get SOME affection out of her.

      Wish me luck and thanks for commenting πŸ™‚

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